Tick Tock...

Brett doesn't like it when I blog. He thinks that I share too much information about our intimate lives. He finds it embarrassing to have all this dirty laundry out for everyone to see, but I look at blogging as a kind of therapy. I look at it as an outlet for suppressed thoughts and emotions. It seems like the only time I ever really say what I'm thinking is when I write it down. Writing, I guess, is a window into my soul. Brett also hates it when I paint him as a villain. I'm not really vilifying him, I just think he's gets overly concerned about what other people might think of us. I don't really care. It's a blog. It doesn't mean anything.

Sometimes he does treat me like the recalcitrant child, and scolds me like a parent with a child. I tolerate it merely because I do act like a child sometimes. Lately, I have observed that I am very immature for my age. I am almost 30 years old, and I feel like my maturity level is that of a young woman in her early 20's. Ever since we started dating, I never really acknowledged the gap between our ages. I guess I unconsciously adapted myself to him and never really though of the consequences till now. Turning 30 seems to be such an ominous age. I look at most of my classmates from school and realize that they have 3 or 4 children, some of them old enough to be in my first grade class.

I look at my immaturity as perpetual until I actually have a child myself. I want a baby so bad right now that it hurts. A dear friend of mine recently found out that she's having a baby after facing near impossible odds. Her husband had a vasectomy shortly after he divorced his first wife and she lost a ovary about a year ago. But aside from all that, they managed to get pregnant.

As far as I know, Brett and I don't have any physical problems preventing us from having children. Just financial ones. Most of the time, I think it's a poor excuse especially now that he's has a full time teaching job. Granted, health benefits for me were not part of the new job package, but I honestly don't care. I know that the Lord will take care of us.

The only thing I care about is the big gaping hole that I feel in my life. It's matters like this that remind me of the gap between our ages. He's just barely 25 and doesn't even want to think about kids. I'm 29 and all I can hear is the enormous biological clock ticking in my ear telling me I better get busy before it's too late.  I love my husband with all my heart, and I want to bear his children. I just wish he would stop worrying about how much it's going to cost and simply trust that we will be taken care of.

He's going to be mad at me for sharing all this out on the internet for everyone to see, but I couldn't keep this bottle up inside me any more. I've told him how I feel about all of this before, but it never really seemed to come out right. This way, there are no judgements passed until after it's read and reviewed and I can say everything I needed to say. To fight fair, I would share it on facebook. He'll have to find out about it and read about it on his own.

A blast from the past...

So for the last couple of days I have been going through my old sca garb and I am surprised at how sloppy I used to be. Granted- I made some of these when I was sixteen or seventeen, but wow!  I have come a very long way in my sewing. Nowadays every seam has to be perfect and don't even get me started on the sleeves.

When I was younger I didn't really know how to put in an inset sleeve and I hated doing them so I either made my mom do them or I would to take all the fullness and fold it into a dart or something equally bulky and messy. Either way they look really funny. Also, none of the edges are finished.  My mom had a serger, but I didn't know how to use if, so all of my seams are raw and stringy.

I guess I should give myself a break. I was just barely learning how to sew back then and I really didn't know what I was doing. There are times now where I still feel like I don't know anything about sewing, but then I look at my old stuff and I can realize that I have grown a lot as a seamstress.

Here are some pics of one of the old dresses that I made years ago. It look all nice and clean on the outside, but you should see the inside!

But the amazing thing is: it still FITS! YEAH!!!!

feeling a little sad...

So last week I found out that my client's husband lost his job, and has lost their only source of income.  They're getting on unemployment, but I doubt very much they will have any money to spare for fluff stuff like her dress. Well, at least until he finds a job.

I was so excited about this project. I was getting paid to do something I loved. But now that probably won't happen. I gave her the option of splitting up the payment plan a bit more, or I'll send her everything as is and she'll have to make the dress herself.

It was such a great design. I have no doubt that  it would sell. But there is always the question of whether or not I could get the money I want from it. I've had to sacrifice so much on other projects.

I just barely sold the Marie Antoinette dress, and I didn't make any money on it at all. The entire balance went to Party Palace. That whole thing was a bunch of bull sh&*. But its all over now, and all I want to do is look forward to the future.

Now all I have to do is wait with bated breath to hear back from my client on what she has to do.  Lately, her response times haven't been very quick, sometimes lasting more than a week. We'll see what happens. :(

Trouble with cars...

Brett and I are not having very good luck right now. We bought a "new"car a few weeks ago. Its a ninety- something Nissan Altima. When the car was at the former owner's house it worked perfectly fine. But as soon as it was ours, it started having problems. We went to Ammon to buy the car, and then went to dinner at Olive Garden right after. Well, in the parking lot, after dinner the car had trouble starting. I thought, okay, its sitting on a decline, its low on gas, so it must not be getting enough gas to start. After a minute or so we got it started, filled it with gas and got it home.

The next day, when Brett went to get it registered, the car wouldn't start. First thing he checked was the battery and all the cables. Check: operational. Next, he checked the starter. Ah ha, found the possible problem. As it turns out, the starter on this car, is in a location where it is nearly impossible to reach without some effort and a possibly a hydraulic lift. So Brett's solution was to put in a push button start, and circumvent the starter.

So for the last couple of weeks, Brett has been fiddling and fussing, and trying to fix it himself. But, unfortunately, the push button start didn't work. The car still won't start. I think we have hit the point where we need to take it to a mechanic.

I love my husband. But there are times that I wonder about whether or not he was meant to be a band teacher or if he should have pursued an education and career as a mechanic instead.

Or maybe someday he could be both. Who knows.

But for the moment, we have a broken car that needs some attention from a higher trained professional than my husband.

hitting a brick wall...

For the last little while I have been trying to find an inventory software to catalog all of my jewelry and sewing supplies. So far I keep hitting dead ends. I found one program that was perfect. I was within my price range. It was specifically geared toward crafting, but unfortunately I couldn't get the program to work on my computer. After downloading and installing it, I opened it to input my registration key and it restarted my computer. No blue screen of death just instant black out, power off and turn back on. I even tried it in safe mode and it still had the same result.  So there is something wrong with my computer, but it is something neither Will, (my tech guy), nor I can find. We did all the usual things. Checked for viruses...etc, etc, but nothing could make this program work. The only time it did work was when I loaded it onto Brett's computer. So, it stands to reason that there has to be something wrong with my computer. Sigh... I could have simply kept it on Brett's computer, but that wouldn't have been fair to him. Not to mention, his wireless router just died last week. So now my search continues... But everything else I seem to find is either more than I can afford or doesn't have what I need. Sigh....

Sick day...

So last week was kind of rough. I caught the nasty bug that's been making the circuit through the schools, and so I stayed home sick from subbing on Tuesday to recover. I probably should have stayed home on Monday, but Brett accepted the job for me that morning before I had determined that I didn't feel well. My wonderful husband answers my phone for me in the morning because I can't see and both of our phones sit on his side of the bed. So he accepted the job for me and we went back to sleep for a few more minutes. Well, when I got up to go the bathroom, I did not feel very good. You know when you sit up and then you want to lay back down because you don't feel well, yeah that was me. I didn't feel nauseous or anything like that, but my head felt like a ton of bricks, my throat was sore and all I wanted to do was lay back down and stay there. But I felt obligated to go to work because I had already accepted the job, and how bad would that be to accept a job then 20 mins later cancel it. So I got up, got dressed and went to sub anyway. While I got dressed I felt a little better; my head and throat ached, but I felt well enough to go.

Ironically enough, the teacher I was subbing for had the same symptoms that I did. I made it through the morning, but I began feeling worse as the day went on. Thankfully it was for elementary school and I was done relatively early in the day. By the time I got home, I was exhausted and I knew that I had a fever. So I laid down on the couch and stayed there the rest of the night. I didn't even go to my belly dance class, and I never miss that class. I have missed only two or three classes in the entire time that I have been dancing with them. By Tuesday I felt better, but I still stayed home anyway and got some much needed rest.

Sadly, getting sick threw off my entire work out schedule, and I didn't feel motivated to go at all last week. Next week though I'm going to go at least 2-3 times more to make up for lost time.

Lost focus

Ever since I lost my job at Party Palace I have not worked hardly at all on any of my business stuff.

It feels like I've lost all the motivation and momentum I had when I was working at Party Palace. Was my discontent the fuel to my passion for my business? It certainly feels that way.

But then again, all of my energy has been focused on finding a job and after that my subbing job with the school district. I'm so exhausted after every day that I teach. I come home and I do nothing the rest of the night when I should be making stuff and listing it on Etsy. But I don't.

I feel so distracted and unmotivated.

One month...

I have been a substitute teacher for over a month now and I have made a few observations.

For the most part, most junior high and high school students think they can do whatever they want when they have a substitute teacher and they don't expect to have any consequences when they act out or be lazy. They don't think that the substitute actually lets the teacher know how the class went and who causes problems. Its true that they can probably get away with all sorts of things they wouldn't be able to get away with if the teacher was actually there. But that only happens if the substitute is ignorant of the teacher's or school's disciplinary practices. And they're honestly surprised when they find out that they can't walk all over the sub.

On the other hand, I have noticed that elementary age kids don't have the typical attitude toward subs as their elder counterparts. They definitely show a lot more respect and to them having a sub is almost like any other day of school. The behavior of abusing substitute teacher authority must be an attitude that is learned the older they get. How this comes about I have no idea. 

Another observation I have made is that high school students act a whole lot better if the class is an elective instead of a required course like math or english. If they're not required to be there to graduate or if its a topic they're actually interested in, they actually use their time effectively. I love teaching these classes. They are so much easier to sub for than anything else.

Well, I should go to sleep...I have to go teach High School math tomorrow and it will probably be an exhausting day.
From what I remember growing up, whenever we had a substitute teacher we never got much accomplished. We either spent the entire day or class watching a movie or playing games. Homework was hardly ever discussed. But so far, almost every class that I have subbed for there has been a lesson plan and assignments to do in class or homework. Having never taught anything before, giving a lesson can be a little daunting sometimes. Especially when its about a subject that I'm not very good at. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, and that I talk too fast.

Frustrated with my laptop

I need a new laptop.  My old one is slowly but surely breaking down. It's very frustrating. I downloaded a new program for my business and it keeps crashing my computer. A week or so ago I had to download and install  an update for my wireless assistant and it totally screwed up my computer. It hasn't run very well since.

Actually, both me and my husband need new computers, but I don't see us getting new ones any time soon. We're already swimming in debt and it doesn't look like its going to get any better any time soon.

Man, I'm in a bad mood.