Looking for the little blue line

So for the last year or so, I have been struggling with something and I don't think I can spend another day not talking about it.

 In January of 2012, me and my husband decided to stop using any and all forms of birth control in an attempt to get pregnant and have a baby.  I had stopped using birth control 6 months prior to this and we had been using condoms up to that point.  My body was still adjusting to not being on birth control and my periods would skip a month or so then bleed a little bit for the normal amount of time and go back to business as usual. I was confident that I was ready to have a baby.

Six months went by...and nothing was happening. My periods were becoming increasingly erratic and I was getting frustrated.  After missing my period for 3 months in a row, I decided to finally go see a doctor.  Our first meeting was okay. We discussed my history and exchanged ideas on what could be going on. A pre-diagnosis of PCOS was determined and some blood was taken to run tests on.  Later, we decided to do a glucose test and see where my blood sugars were. After my result were in, she put me on Metformin and Thyroid medicine because my levels were within the normal range but on the high end of the normal spectrum.

She wanted to see me six weeks after the glucose test, but I couldn't afford to go back. I was not prepared for the financial hardship all these tests would be on our budget. I had no idea how much all this testing would costs, and I was somewhat grateful that I had insurance, even though they only covered about half the costs.

There are times when I truly miss my student health insurance.  The only time I ever had a medical bill when I was in college was when I needed an ultrasound and I had to pay for the outside consultant.  I had unlimited office visits (at the clinic), and I never had to worry about the costs for blood work and/or tests. Almost everything was covered. Granted, I was limited to the clinic on campus, but at the time it was all I needed.  With my current health insurance, I am lucky if my office visit is covered even with a $30 copay.

Now that a year has passed by, I am getting more and more frustrated as each day passes by.  Every time someone asks me why I don't have any kids yet, it feels like I have a dagger in my heart and they are twisting it in even deeper.  It is an innocent question, but they have no idea how much it hurts.  They have no idea that I ask myself that very same question every day.

Impulse choices and self-sabotage

Feeling pretty low today. Not exactly certain why. Could be I'm PMSy or it was something I ate, but I have been feeling pretty down lately, and it happens in waves.  Sometimes I really wonder if I have a mild case of bi-polar disorder. But in either case, I'm in a low mood and I'm not sure what I need to do to help me feel better. So here's one attempt at unburdening my soul, and sifting through the muck to find the source of the problem....

Impulse choices: I make them all the time. Sadly it is a product of my crazy brain and one of the things I struggle with daily. They say kids just grow out of ADD, but that is a huge lie. It is true that over time kids develop coping mechanisms to deal with their ADD, but it never really goes away.  As an adult, I still have to deal with some of the more subtle symptoms of ADD. Am I easily distracted, sometimes. It depends on my diet and sleep pattern. On the flip side, there's the hyper-focus, and there are things I have to do before I can do anything else, which is why cleaning my house is such a trial.  I'll start picking up dirty clothes and other junk, then accidentally find a spot that is particularly messy and end up spending hours deep cleaning that one spot, then collapse from exhaustion and still have a fairly messy house afterward.

I am seriously beginning to regret my latest impulse choice. A friend of my decided to open a dance studio, and asked me if I wanted to be one of the first teachers to teach there. At first, I said no. Then after further thought, I talked myself into doing it, with no thought as to who I was going to teach and focused all my attention on what I was going to teach. Now, three weeks later, I still don't have any students and I am not sure I even want to pursue finding students for my class.

If it is one thing I have learned from working in schools, is that I don't have the stamina to be a teacher on a long term basis.  I do just fine if the students are there for me to help and teach, but if I have to go out and find people to teach and convince them to take my class, I am just set myself up to fail.  I have never been good at recruiting people for anything. I am generally not comfortable in a leadership position. I prefer to have the greater responsibility fall on someone else and I provide support. I am a great team player, but I am severely uncomfortable being in charge.

I guess this is the best way to describe how I self-sabotage. I don't try for anything too extraordinary, because a lot of the time I don't like standing outside of the crowd.  It doesn't help when I have talents that draw attention to myself and instill jealousy in other.  Yes, I am good at certain things, and can be really good at learning things, but there are a great deal many more things that I struggle with that people don't see. They just see all the enviable things and ignore all the other more subtle issues. In truth, I can compare my learning curve to a sprinter. I started out really fast, and I maintain a quick speed for a short time then I fizzle out and move at a turtles pace or not at all.

Well, today, I am thoroughly fizzled and I just want to lay down and hibernate for a bit. But I have too much to do, so hibernation will have to wait.