Feeling pretty low today. Not exactly certain why. Could be I'm PMSy or it was something I ate, but I have been feeling pretty down lately, and it happens in waves. Sometimes I really wonder if I have a mild case of bi-polar disorder. But in either case, I'm in a low mood and I'm not sure what I need to do to help me feel better. So here's one attempt at unburdening my soul, and sifting through the muck to find the source of the problem....
Impulse choices: I make them all the time. Sadly it is a product of my crazy brain and one of the things I struggle with daily. They say kids just grow out of ADD, but that is a huge lie. It is true that over time kids develop coping mechanisms to deal with their ADD, but it never really goes away. As an adult, I still have to deal with some of the more subtle symptoms of ADD. Am I easily distracted, sometimes. It depends on my diet and sleep pattern. On the flip side, there's the hyper-focus, and there are things I have to do before I can do anything else, which is why cleaning my house is such a trial. I'll start picking up dirty clothes and other junk, then accidentally find a spot that is particularly messy and end up spending hours deep cleaning that one spot, then collapse from exhaustion and still have a fairly messy house afterward.
I am seriously beginning to regret my latest impulse choice. A friend of my decided to open a dance studio, and asked me if I wanted to be one of the first teachers to teach there. At first, I said no. Then after further thought, I talked myself into doing it, with no thought as to who I was going to teach and focused all my attention on what I was going to teach. Now, three weeks later, I still don't have any students and I am not sure I even want to pursue finding students for my class.
If it is one thing I have learned from working in schools, is that I don't have the stamina to be a teacher on a long term basis. I do just fine if the students are there for me to help and teach, but if I have to go out and find people to teach and convince them to take my class, I am just set myself up to fail. I have never been good at recruiting people for anything. I am generally not comfortable in a leadership position. I prefer to have the greater responsibility fall on someone else and I provide support. I am a great team player, but I am severely uncomfortable being in charge.
I guess this is the best way to describe how I self-sabotage. I don't try for anything too extraordinary, because a lot of the time I don't like standing outside of the crowd. It doesn't help when I have talents that draw attention to myself and instill jealousy in other. Yes, I am good at certain things, and can be really good at learning things, but there are a great deal many more things that I struggle with that people don't see. They just see all the enviable things and ignore all the other more subtle issues. In truth, I can compare my learning curve to a sprinter. I started out really fast, and I maintain a quick speed for a short time then I fizzle out and move at a turtles pace or not at all.
Well, today, I am thoroughly fizzled and I just want to lay down and hibernate for a bit. But I have too much to do, so hibernation will have to wait.
No comments:
Post a Comment